Monday, February 4, 2013

I want...

It's really hard for me to verbalize what I want. I can tell you exactly what I don't want.. but I can't seem to put my finger on something that I actually want.

I don't want to cut my hair. I don't want it to be winter. I don't want to fail school. I don't want to be disrespected. I don't want to be confused. I don't want to be annoyed. I don't want to be used. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to hurt others. I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to lose. I don't want to miss people. I don't want to be in the dark. I don't want to be lied to. I don't want to feel helpless. I don't want people to remind me of what I'm doing/what I've done wrong. I don't want to be someone's bootycall. I don't want to be judged. I don't want people in my life that don't want me in theirs. I don't want to be unrealistic. I don't want to be afraid.

Recently I was asked by a good friend if I was actually happy/satisfied with my life and where I'm at with things right now. In all honesty, I don't have a straight answer for that. I am so proud of who I am today and being able to break free from an toxic environment and relationship. But I am also so unsure of the future and what that holds. I am terrified of any sense of permanence because commitment and the idea of forever scares me. I am slowly allowing myself to open to this good friend. It's an interesting experience. Slowly unraveling the thoughts and mental pictures/videos that go on in my mind. There are days that I literally feel as though I am going psychotic. This friend keeps me grounded. It's a nice feeling; having a friend that wants what is best for you and that will be there for you when you need them. It's nice that they also let me be there for them.

You see, we all have baggage and junk that we carry around in our hearts. It's a choice to get rid of that junk. It can be a painful experience, but nobody can make you happy except for yourself. I wouldn't say that I am unhappy; because I smile and sincerely enjoy my days. That being said, there are some major things that I'm in the middle of processing and being okay with. I've been spending a lot of time with myself lately attempting to work out some of these thoughts and battles with myself. Why is it that we are so hard on ourselves; yet we tend to forgive other people and/or come up with excuses or reasons why they might have performed a sepcific action.

I'm working on figuring out some, "I want.." statements. I do know that I will due everything in my power to stop holding myself back. This is my one "I want.." statement that I can be sure of..

I want to be able to be real.

What do you want?