Thursday, December 20, 2012
I've been home for a week or so officially since the semester ended at school. It's strange being back home. Driving through the neighborhood I spent many years walking around, playing, laughing, being a child; spending time with people I used to know inside and out; reminiscing on old times and making new memories; remembering all of the history of this place. Being back in this area and seeing how it has changed and how it has stayed the same made me begin to think about the way I have changed and stayed the same since I first ventured off to college. I have changed a lot, and most parts of me are not the same.
A lot has happened and changed in my life since I left for school and I'm still figuring out who I am and who I want to be and the type of life I want to lead. Do we ever really find any of those answers 100%? Some people are homebodies and just always gravitate back home or never leave. There's nothing wrong with that; I'm just not one of those people. For me, I think that leaving for school was a big step to me moving on from all the history here. The state that I left in was a bit constricting; but it was a step. Being in a relationship when I left for school was not in the original plan for me; but that's what happened.
When you're in your late teens; that's when you begin to actually mold into who YOU want to be. You should be able to start making decisions on your own and start figuring out who you are as a young adult. When you are in a relationship, it can be really difficult to find your own identity. It can be difficult to mold into the demands of someone else when you haven't figured out who you are yet. Now that I've been my own individual, completely in charge of my life for the past couple of months; it's weird to be home. This place holds so much history with who I used to be and my motivation to live a certain way. Whispers always hanging in the air; people are always going to talk. People will always try to tell you who you are and what you are doing wrong. I'm excited to have a place away from 'home' where I can be exactly who I want to be and let loose and not worry so much about who I might see or what someone might say.
Yeah, I've changed.. I'm not the same person as I was. But the person I was isn't something or someone that I am ashamed of. Going through life is supposed to be about learning from mistakes and understanding how to move forward. I'm excited to keep moving forward and learnng and I'm proud of the person I am today, regardless of how I got here. I know I'm a stronger person than yesterday and a weaker person than I'll be tomorrow. I'm excited to see what the future holds for me and where home will be for me as I find a career and start a family of my own.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
In life, we're all faced with different battles. We are constantly forced to deal with experienes that make us feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, weak, unsure, etc. Sometimes.. it's a lot easier to turn your back or to just shut up about it; but it is so important to deal with them. Accept that something is happening and making you feel a certain way; but understand and believe that it will get better and that you will be able to learn from it.
It can be difficult to push past the pain and the heartache; but you can do it. Life has thrown me many curves involving broken relationships; betrayal; health issues to just touch briefly on a few. There are days that I don't want to get out of bed and I know it would be so much easier to just lay in bed and sleep my life away. Life is worth it, though. It's worth getting up everyday and doing everything in your power to move forward.. even just a little bit. I just remember that there is more to life than this. Think about everything that He has blessed me with. When my family fell apart, He revealed to me my family through Him. I am so thankful for my brothers and sisters that I have found through God. When I suffered, He revealed to me ways that I can be an outlet and help other people which allowed me to deal with certain feelings and grow into a much stronger person. When I am in pain; I am reminded that I can't do this on my own and that it is okay to ask for help.
Most of my life I have felt defined by circumstances in which I could not do anything about. I allowed that definition, conviction, and ridicule destroy me. Then I decided that I wasn't going to allow it to control me. There is no reason that anything should have that much power over you. One of my really good friends is constantly there to remind me that I am the person in charge of my life. I determine who I am and what I want for my life and then it is MY responsibility to do whatever I can to become the person I want to be and acheive what I want to acheive. Nobody else can tell me that I can't do something that I want.
You are stronger than the mistakes that you've made.
Friday, December 7, 2012
You know that moment when something hits your right in the face? One of those moments when you were not expecting it at all. These moments happen for many reasons; relationships, emotions, school... life. That moment when you can no longer push down what you're trying to avoid. Like a building crumbling from the bottom up, you tumble down. Your watch in awe as if you are not even inside of your own body. You wonder, when did this happen? or why do i feel like this? You can't help it.
In this life, we, as human beings have very little control. We can not control what the world brings our way. We can not control who is brought into our lives. We can not control the way people around us act or feel. We can not control what others try to say or how they might hurt us. We can not control life. But we CAN control how we react/respond to any given situation. We have a choice to either dwell upon something and let it to eat away at us like a parasite; or we can choose to accept that it has happened and be proactive in how to move forward. This second choice isn't always going to be easy. Because of this lack of control; a lot of people (myself included) attempt to make themselves numb to feelings of any kind. We avoid anything that might be uncomfortable or anything that might make us feel something. We avoid reaching out for things we want in fear of rejection; of vulnerability; of pain.
In those moments; I don't have anything to tell you to deal. Sometimes, its a really positive 'smack to the face' and other times its a 'bitch slap to the face'. Take it as it comes. You'll get by and remember to not worry about what you can not control; focus on what you can control.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Why is it so difficult to express yourself and 'be real' these days? Think about a child; they experience everything for the first time with wonder, excitement, and appreciation. They laugh when something's funny. They cry when they are upset. They aren't afraid of what might happen if they do a specific action.
I just want to be able to go out and scream 'i love you' if that's how I feel. I want to cry when I'm upset or in pain and not feel weak. I want to have the confidence to know in my heart that whatever I do.. no matter what.. Life will go on. If we stopped being afraid and putting walls up; we would all be able to experience a beautiful life. But because we are constantly questioning ourselves and what we believe is right and good. The bad and darkness is life has become the source of everything we do. If we avoid anything that might hurt us; what is the point of being alive? If we don't ever put ourselves out there, then we may be missing the best thing that was supposed to be ours. We constantly search and ask God for answers; but how do we know that He hasn't answered and we just aren't looking the right place. Open your eyes. I know it's easier said then done. But why not try it?
Live your life as if it's all for the first time. Take each moment presented to you and live it without fear or expectation. Just live.