Aching.

My heart broke tonight. Literally broke. It aches. There are very few times that I have been able to look at someone through the eyes of Jesus and tonight was one of them. It's not easy. It doesn't feel good to see someone so broken and helpless; especially when you can only do so much.

Tonight I served food to the homeless for a couple of hours. It was 30 degrees out, but the wind was piercing. The people were shivering. Some didn't have gloves, a hat, or a scarf. Some didn't even have a decent coat. A little girl was shaking as she walked over to get some hot chocolate. Her eyes were full of sorrow, of pain, and filled with tears. As we gave her hot chocolate, she walked away back to her mom and dad. We noticed they didn't eat anything so we asked, "Sweetie, did you get anything to eat?". Her eyes lit up as she begged her mom to be able to get some food. Her mom turned to us and said, "Thanks, but it's too cold to eat." The girl's eyes went lifeless and my heart sank. My heart aches for her. We gave them sandwiches to take with them for tomorrow and some clothes and other personal hygiene needs. They, then walked into the cold, dark night. As I watched them walk, I just prayed for them; the young girl especially because that's all I could do. I wanted so badly to say, "wait!" To be able to offer them more than just a sandwhich for tomorrow and some clothes. So badly, I wanted to offer them a home; with heat; with food; with running water. But I couldn't. And that really hurts. We complain each and every day over things that we think are a big deal: my phone died; it's too cold; why did she look at me like that; why won't he like me; etc. I can only speak for myself when I say, I have no idea what it means to truly suffer.

The reality is that this world is full of thorns. Yes, there are plenty of roses in this life and I don't mean to be fixating on the bad of this world; but we are so ignorant. We often don't see or we don't want to see that struggle is everywhere. We make it this intangible thing that is in the distant, or something that we could never help. I want that to change. I want to be aware of what is going on around me and I want to be aware and grateful for all that I have. As much as each one of us deal with struggle and storms, we have so much. We come from an amazing Creator. He, himself lived his life out for others. He reached out to the poorest of the poor and loved them. For what? He didn't gain anything for Himself by reaching out to the broken. In fact, he was persecuted. His life was MISERABLE because of what He did. He was ridiculed, punished, beaten.. all because He did good. Because he became a voice for those without a voice. I want to know what that looks like. I want to be able to touch a life like that. To be able to be so selfless that I truly put God first. Because if I whole-heartedly can put God first; then others automatically become second.

What is this Feeling?

Alright, so we all have these things.. these emotions inside of us. They often control our decisions more than anything else.... dumb; don't do that. But it's hard to not allow them to persuade us to do certain things, right? Most people have a harder time with that, than most things when it comes to making decisions.

Not me.. for me, I struggle with allowing myself to actual recognize my emotions. Sometimes, they just hit me in the face like a ton of bricks and I very quickly shove them into the bottom of my boots. Now, sometimes they come back up and I have to push them back down; but I know that one day I'm not going to be able to push them back down. The boot will overflow and I will have a huge mess of emotions that I will need to deal with and address one by one.

Some people critique me and tell me not to do it; I get that. I can understand and appreciate where they are coming from. But ultimately, at this point in time, in my life. The only thing that I am sure of is where I came from. I know that He has a plan for me. But I still can't bring myself to address my bootful of emotions. I'm not sure I'm ready to face that kind of vulnerability again right now.. maybe even ever. We all have things lingering around that we need to face and I get that.

You see, I am happy. I am joyful. I am living the dream each and every day. I am going through life enjoying the little things and leaving behind any bad thing. It happens. I see it. It's gone. It doesn't affect me. That's what works for me. Is that so bad?

Growth

2012 was full of changes; as any other year. Each and every year brings new opportunities; new struggles; new outcomes; new victories; new relationships; new outlooks; new resolutions; new decisions. Looking back, there is a lot to say about my past year. But the main word I'm going to use to describe my year is growth. I am so proud of some of the decisions that I have made throughout 2012. I am so proud of the person that I am today. I'm still not a perfect mold to any extent; but I know that I have fixed up some holes and cracks and I'm moving in the same direction. 2012 and the endeavors that are held within it won't be forgotten. My proudest moment in 2012 was for the first time in a long time, I took a moment to look inside myself and analyze the relationships that encompassed all of my time. I decided that I was better than what I was allowing myself to be consumed with and I decided to make a difficult decision to better my life. I could not have done that without my faith and my friends; especially my roommates.

This upcoming year; my only resolution is to trust in the Lord at all times and to be brave enough to evaluate my life choices daily rather than waiting until December 31, 2013. Granted a New Year is a great defining moment in which you can capitalize on everything you learned from one full year and create a mastermind plan to conquer the following year; the do's and dont's, etc. But.. shouldn't we really be doing that every day? Why do we always have to look at the biggest picture/plan out there. We need to start looking at our lives moment by moment; day by day; week by week first. Why wait until next year to decide to make you a better you?

At any moment you have the power to stand up and say this is not how the story is going to end.

I need to stop giving myself excuses to complain about things going on in my life because it is my decision to react a certain way. If I don't like something, I need to start thinking about how I can either make changes in my life and fix this 'something'; or making changes on my outlook so that I can appreciate every moment of this life because it's too short. Life is way too precious to wait until tomorrow, let alone wait until next year. I am learning bushels about myself. I am learning about the type of person that I want to be and I am taking note on the type of person that I definitely don't want to be. I am beginning to understand who I am and what kind of life I want to lead. The best part about understanding your own personal growth and desires is being able to have the confidence in yourself to admit that you aren't perfect, but have the courage, strength, and faith that you can make yourself better. I don't want to be the girl that needs help. I've never been good at accepting help from others; but I have learned that I have grown the most when I have made a decision for myself; not for anyone else.

This year, my goal is to take a look at myself everyday. Look into the depths of my soul and be real with myself; ask myself if this is really want I want. If that answer is no; then I want to have the courage to be able to change.