So Small

Christmas is over. Holidays can either be great, or awful. I'm learning as I'm growing older and experiencing life; that the struggles of this earthly world are so small to the love shown to us by our Creator. How often do we complain about the petty things? Sometimes, we do have 'bigger' issues to deal with; but how much time do we spend complaining about all of our issues? I'll be the first to admit; sometimes it can be really hard to not complain. When an event cuts so deep into our character than it can be difficult to move on from it or not to think/talk about it.

I think that it can be so easy to fall into the trap of believing 'my life sucks' or 'I'm a victim'. Sometimes we don't always deal with our issues, but they are constantly clouding our life because it's hard as stubborn people to deal with emotional pain. It can also be very difficult for us to admit that we have something that we need to work on. When we continue to either not deal with or not move on from our earthly problems; our eyes can not be set on what God may be trying to show us.

It is important to remember that God is so much bigger. It is hard to see, because we can not understandor physically see His plan for us. God sacrificed His only son for us so that we may live. If our eyes are set on Him, then we won't miss the opportunities or desires that He will place in our hearts. Just remember when you are struggling with something, that God is in control. He knows what the big picture is and He loves you so much. He will never leave your side and He is helping you pick up your cross. Cherish the good days and move on from the bad ones.

Moving Forward

I've been home for a week or so officially since the semester ended at school. It's strange being back home. Driving through the neighborhood I spent many years walking around, playing, laughing, being a child; spending time with people I used to know inside and out; reminiscing on old times and making new memories; remembering all of the history of this place. Being back in this area and seeing how it has changed and how it has stayed the same made me begin to think about the way I have changed and stayed the same since I first ventured off to college. I have changed a lot, and most parts of me are not the same.

A lot has happened and changed in my life since I left for school and I'm still figuring out who I am and who I want to be and the type of life I want to lead. Do we ever really find any of those answers 100%? Some people are homebodies and just always gravitate back home or never leave. There's nothing wrong with that; I'm just not one of those people. For me, I think that leaving for school was a big step to me moving on from all the history here. The state that I left in was a bit constricting; but it was a step. Being in a relationship when I left for school was not in the original plan for me; but that's what happened.

When you're in your late teens; that's when you begin to actually mold into who YOU want to be. You should be able to start making decisions on your own and start figuring out who you are as a young adult. When you are in a relationship, it can be really difficult to find your own identity. It can be difficult to mold into the demands of someone else when you haven't figured out who you are yet. Now that I've been my own individual, completely in charge of my life for the past couple of months; it's weird to be home. This place holds so much history with who I used to be and my motivation to live a certain way. Whispers always hanging in the air; people are always going to talk. People will always try to tell you who you are and what you are doing wrong. I'm excited to have a place away from 'home' where I can be exactly who I want to be and let loose and not worry so much about who I might see or what someone might say.

Yeah, I've changed.. I'm not the same person as I was. But the person I was isn't something or someone that I am ashamed of. Going through life is supposed to be about learning from mistakes and understanding how to move forward. I'm excited to keep moving forward and learnng and I'm proud of the person I am today, regardless of how I got here. I know I'm a stronger person than yesterday and a weaker person than I'll be tomorrow. I'm excited to see what the future holds for me and where home will be for me as I find a career and start a family of my own.

Stronger

In life, we're all faced with different battles. We are constantly forced to deal with experienes that make us feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, weak, unsure, etc. Sometimes.. it's a lot easier to turn your back or to just shut up about it; but it is so important to deal with them. Accept that something is happening and making you feel a certain way; but understand and believe that it will get better and that you will be able to learn from it.

It can be difficult to push past the pain and the heartache; but you can do it. Life has thrown me many curves involving broken relationships; betrayal; health issues to just touch briefly on a few. There are days that I don't want to get out of bed and I know it would be so much easier to just lay in bed and sleep my life away. Life is worth it, though. It's worth getting up everyday and doing everything in your power to move forward.. even just a little bit. I just remember that there is more to life than this. Think about everything that He has blessed me with. When my family fell apart, He revealed to me my family through Him. I am so thankful for my brothers and sisters that I have found through God. When I suffered, He revealed to me ways that I can be an outlet and help other people which allowed me to deal with certain feelings and grow into a much stronger person. When I am in pain; I am reminded that I can't do this on my own and that it is okay to ask for help.

Most of my life I have felt defined by circumstances in which I could not do anything about. I allowed that definition, conviction, and ridicule destroy me. Then I decided that I wasn't going to allow it to control me. There is no reason that anything should have that much power over you. One of my really good friends is constantly there to remind me that I am the person in charge of my life. I determine who I am and what I want for my life and then it is MY responsibility to do whatever I can to become the person I want to be and acheive what I want to acheive. Nobody else can tell me that I can't do something that I want.

You are stronger than the mistakes that you've made.

The Moment

You know that moment when something hits your right in the face? One of those moments when you were not expecting it at all. These moments happen for many reasons; relationships, emotions, school... life. That moment when you can no longer push down what you're trying to avoid. Like a building crumbling from the bottom up, you tumble down. Your watch in awe as if you are not even inside of your own body. You wonder, when did this happen? or why do i feel like this? You can't help it.

In this life, we, as human beings have very little control. We can not control what the world brings our way. We can not control who is brought into our lives. We can not control the way people around us act or feel. We can not control what others try to say or how they might hurt us. We can not control life. But we CAN control how we react/respond to any given situation. We have a choice to either dwell upon something and let it to eat away at us like a parasite; or we can choose to accept that it has happened and be proactive in how to move forward. This second choice isn't always going to be easy. Because of this lack of control; a lot of people (myself included) attempt to make themselves numb to feelings of any kind. We avoid anything that might be uncomfortable or anything that might make us feel something. We avoid reaching out for things we want in fear of rejection; of vulnerability; of pain.

In those moments; I don't have anything to tell you to deal. Sometimes, its a really positive 'smack to the face' and other times its a 'bitch slap to the face'. Take it as it comes. You'll get by and remember to not worry about what you can not control; focus on what you can control.

Living with Innocence

Why is it so difficult to express yourself and 'be real' these days? Think about a child; they experience everything for the first time with wonder, excitement, and appreciation. They laugh when something's funny. They cry when they are upset. They aren't afraid of what might happen if they do a specific action.

What changed?

I just want to be able to go out and scream 'i love you' if that's how I feel. I want to cry when I'm upset or in pain and not feel weak. I want to have the confidence to know in my heart that whatever I do.. no matter what.. Life will go on. If we stopped being afraid and putting walls up; we would all be able to experience a beautiful life. But because we are constantly questioning ourselves and what we believe is right and good. The bad and darkness is life has become the source of everything we do. If we avoid anything that might hurt us; what is the point of being alive? If we don't ever put ourselves out there, then we may be missing the best thing that was supposed to be ours. We constantly search and ask God for answers; but how do we know that He hasn't answered and we just aren't looking the right place. Open your eyes. I know it's easier said then done. But why not try it?

Live your life as if it's all for the first time. Take each moment presented to you and live it without fear or expectation. Just live.

Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving ya'll :)

As crazy as holidays can be with different family traditions and different family issues; holidays truly are a time to reflect and be grateful. Especailly THANKSGIVING. Even though there are some obvious difficulties in everybody's life; there is always so much to be thankful for. This year I have so much to be thankful for. This past year has been full of ups and downs and hard decisions. It's been difficult, but this journey has been such a blessing. Today, I can be thankful for the friends that God has brought into my life. I am so thankful to be at Walsh University and that I have developed the friendships with all of you. I am thankful for friends that have stuck by my side through this whole life ordeal! Welcome back into my life and I am so sorry that I pushed you away for so long. I am so grateful for my education at Walsh University. I am learning so much about myself and the kind of educator I can be. Through all of the difficult and dark experiences throughout this past year I can be grateful for lessons learned. I know the type of person that I don't want to be and I'm slowly allowing myself to mold into the independent, Christ-filled, woman that I am called to be. I am thankful for the opportunities that have been presented to me. I am grateful for the friends who have always accepted me for who I am and who haven't been afraid to show me tough love when I needed it.

God is so good. I have so much to be thankful for today.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

Grieve and Celebrations

Why do bad things happen to good people? Yesterday, an amazing man was shot trying to open up his gym. A man that has shared his faith with many and who has helped countless people. Just shot; plucked off of earth and his human body in the blink of an eye. Obviously, he is with God now and sitting next to Our Father in heaven which is somewhat comforting.

5 years ago today; November 20, 2007 a beautiful daughter of God was also taken away from us:

I cannot believe it has been 5 years. Holy cow. This girl experienced life in such a way that most people never get to. She experienced the kind of love most adults don't experience. Her musical ability was way beyond average. The joy she felt and shared with everyone, always.

Why do people have to die. Anthony Wayne Public School District has experienced so many deaths from students to parents of students; Donahue; Plocek; Aldrich; Stormer; Rose; Childers; Holan; Roudebush; Greer; Gaynier; Vogtsberger; Langel; etc. For all those families that have lost someone close to them. I am truly sorry. I wish there was a way to take away the pain. Today I am thankful for the opportunity to grow through these difficult experiences. Today I remember and celebrate each of our lost loved ones' lives. <3

Day 2: Marlena Sue

This girlllllll. Marlena Sue. 2nd grade best friends; been through a lot of crazy things together. Even though we aren't super close now... we've always had eachother's backs and I know that'll never change. From winter fun to summer walks; this girl is the one. The kind of friendship that is really and progressive; a give and take. The kind of friendship that didn't always need words. It always felt right. No judgement; always forgiveness. No questions; when one needed the other, nothing else mattered. So many memories; time and distance doesn't change anything. Martii Sue I miss you and I am so thankful for you in my life :)

The New Me

Alright, so I haven't blogged in ages. For the few of you that have viewed my page ever... I apologize because I am going to restart the 30 picture challenge and I am determined to actually finish it! A fresh start to my life as an independent, Catholic woman!

Day 01. a picture of yourself with 10 facts.

o1. I have an amazing King.

o2. I don't open up very fast.

o3. I am so grateful to be where I am today.

o4. I will work within the DD community in the future.

o5. I want to make a positive difference in the world.

o6. I am a MaryKay Beauty Consultant.

o7. I think too much.

o8. I snort when I laugh. (and sometimes heave)

o9. Singing is my favorite.

10. I'm short.

Future

That scary question seems to be repeating itself in my head and I don't know how to turn it off.
What does the future hold?
I don't have an answer.. and as much as it sucks not knowing.. I think that not knowing is part of what makes life so beautiful. I just want to know if all of the pain and strife that life brings is really worth it in the end. Sure, I have faith that I'll be happy in the future.. but that doesn't mean I don't question things at times. That doesn't make some of the hardships of life any easier.

The point is, I guess, that it's important that everyone has their own ticker; their thing that keeps them going. For me, my ticker is my man. I am 100% head over heels for him. He's been an important part of my life for the past almost 2 and a half years and even though right now we're 4 1/2 hours away at two separate colleges.. I know that he always makes things better. I legitimately don't know what I would do without him. I know that he is in my future. And that makes me happy.

What does your future hold?

Sound

I'm sitting in my apartment and with the t.v. on, the clicking of my keyboard, the buzz or receiving a text, and the vibrating of the whole room due to a music blasting kind of night at my neighbor's above me, I began to think about sound. It seems like there really are no more moments of silence in life. I mean when was the last time you just in silence and enjoyed the calmness of it? I know that it's been quite some time for me; I can't even remember the last time I just sat in silence, took a deep breathe, and relaxed.

Sounds make up quite a large part of everyday life it is rare that we anymore focus on the beauty of the quiet. Think about how many sounds make up your day. Music, tv, conversation, the wind, traffic, laughter, the shuffle of footsteps, the movement of anything in your hands, texting, flipping through a book.

Sound is definitely amazing. The whole concept of two somethings coming into contact to create some distinct noise that travels through space to our ear in order for us to hear it. I mean that is crazy. That is such a large, abstract concept that I can't even begin to wrap my thoughts about it.

What sounds are you hearing?

Pay it Forward :)

I came across this fun challenge on Alise's blog and on You, Me, and Natalie's Blog and thought it would be fun to post on my blog. The first 5 people to comment to this post can expect to get a fun gift this year!
Pay it Forward 2012. I promise to make something handmade for the first 5 people who comment. They SHOULD in turn post this to their blog (if you have one) and make something for the first five who comment on their post on their blog. 

 *The rules are it must be handmade by you, and they must receive it before 2012 ends. It can be something as simple as making a friend a cup of coffee. Ready.......Go!


Note: if you don't have a blog you are still free to pay, just remember that even if it doesn't get posted anywhere it would still be a nice gesture to give something to 5 different people you care about. 

Hey there strangers!

So I've kind of fallen off the face of the blog world.. there aren't that many new things for me to write about.
I mean.. I started knitting a blanket :) It's blue, yellow, green, pink, and orange. Very colorful, very me. I am extremely excited about watching this blanket grow and the repetition of each stitch is very soothing to me. I take it to my classes and knit during lecture, some people look at me like I'm so wierd because knitting is only for grannies. I beg to differ! This blanket is going to be absolutely wonderful!

However, I do have to report that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. School projects are beginning to pile on and on; constantly speaking with doctors for this issue that I'm having with my gallbladder; the weather keeps changing.

I think snow can be very beautiful... like in pictures, or from inside a cozy home. I hate the bone-chilling cold wind that comes with it, though. It's time for me to turn in for the night. Excited to drive to see the man I love tomorrow for a much-needed weekend :)

Sleep tight.

The dark cloud, the hovering shadow.

Alright, so I guess it's time I start using this blog to help hopefully other people affected with something that has really affected me.

I have endometriosis.

If you don't know what it is.. try and start here. I'm not writing for pity or sympathy. I'm blogging hopefully to help at least someone who has faced endo. If you have endometriosis, or know somebody who has it; you most likely know that the most important thing is support. As I have mentioned before, I have a boyfriend, he's amazing. Not that I'm ready to have kids yet, but we have talked about the fact that I have endometriosis and that there may be complications in the future. One of the scariest moments of my life was preparing for that initial conversation. I mean come on, how do you go about something like that?? "Oh hey, by the way, I have this disease.. I might be kind of a brat sometimes, and I won't always feel up to things requiring loads of energy everyday. I can't help it... Oh and you wanna know what it is that I have? Well.... ya know... girls have this thing called a period... and well someone like me might have more complications/issues than 'normal' people... oh and one last thing, if we happen to get married and if you're planning on kids.. welll just so you know it's going to be a trial and error type kinda deal? Okay?? Awesome THANKS!". Not exactly a conversation that is super exciting.

Please comment, ask questions, anything??

Day 09: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

That's my babe and me :) Aren't we just the cutest couple you ever did see!?!? Haha, but really, he has been there through the most horrifying, the best, the lifechanging, and the saddest moments for the past 2 years. And let's just say that the last two years have probably been filled with the most amount of life changing transitions I could possibly imagine. The young gentleman in this picture is the reason that I am who I am today, and I couldn't have made it this far without him. <3


By the way, I'm settled back in at school now. Come to find that there is an empty room in my apartment as some of my roommates have moved out which means that I get a bathroom all to myself!! :D I was so thrilled, that the first thing I did when I moved back in was to clean it and put all of my stuff in it! I am so excited, and it should be much quieter this semester :) First class of the semester is tomorrow night!! I'm actually kind of excited to get back in the groove of things.

Welp, have a good night :)

Day 08: A picture that makes you laugh.... and more.

oooooohhh this picture makes me giggle! This is my little cousin at one of our family traditions of weekend camp outs at my aunts and corn hole tournaments. :) ! Something is so miraculous about the innocence of a child; experiencing everything for the first time with wonder and eager eyes. It's so interesting, in one of my classes last semester we talked about how children develop language. One of the steps is knowing what to do when you are faced with something. For example.. you give a child a box, you expect them to understand that they should open it. My little cousin is seeing a hole, and he is curious because a hole is usually something that you would want to look inside and explore.

Anyways, my kickoff to the New Year was quite wonderful :) On Saturday we drove up to Cadillac, Michigan for the night and all day Sunday we went skiing at Caberfae Peaks! Oh it was so much fun! full of laughter, joy, and adventures. I'm sure I'll share some more about it later, but right now I've got to get going! :) Have a splendid day!